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American Cream

by Naked Luigi

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1.
Were Back 03:22
Don't waste your time Because the goddamn Goomba's mine Awww shit Naked Luigi is back We're gonna BEEP your BEEP And that's a fuckin fact Where did Uigi come from, where did he go I don’t give a fuck because he’s got the blow We're at the bowling alley and the pizza is coming We're strapped with condoms so you better start running Naked Luigi's coming back again Now we don't make money and we don't make friends I don't think we're here to make amends Tell the people their precious culture is dead Luigi back like Star Wars No one gives a fuck about the Grammy Awards Thought he wouldn't come back again Not our plan, we were guided by a Master Hand job Do you agree this the album of the century Or are you trapped in mainstream reality We can't buy unanimous positive feedback Plumbers don't come from money like that Now Luigi's in a trash bin, his teeth gnashing Everyone is asking if the band's gonna cash in They say betrayal is the latest fashion I'd rather have Luigi cave my ass in Bro, I got what it takes to be the next Michael Jackson So says I and every single one of my fellow countrymen Uigi in and out of psych wards cuz nobody understands His dedication to meeting all 7 billion fans' demands Uigi is back again Don't you love the skin I'm in Stadiums filled with our friends They are primarily men Guess Kirby's finally six feet under Now his sweet pink mouth is a tundra Only thing we've never fucked is a corpse In a loveless marriage, this is my last resort Plus Kirby's so pathetic in bed He just lies there whether he's alive or dead Luigi doesn't judge, to him it’s all the same But for the first time in my life I feel shame We've fucked him before so it's actually not different You do what you gotta do to maintain the marriage He cares less about the fuck than the infection it brings My better half always coming up with new viral schemes Chopping up the bodies and feed the best to Marcell Gotta grind if you wanna fuck Kirby back to hell Kirby still suck me with a maggot in his nostril Whole team thirsty so we bag him like CostCo
2.
Spread cheeks spread cheer It's the slutty time of year Santa fuck good All across the hemisphere Spread cheeks spread cheer You know even Santa's queer He don't need to fuck himself When he has helpers and has elves SC - Santa likes me mostly Cream free til his face like goat cheese Cuffed to the bed dick thick like an oak tree This Christmas he won't ghost me Make him stay home til the weather gets toasty What's the point in giving presents Gobbling my cream's more important Charity case makes kids complacent So Santa stays in the basement Snow Buddies know I use my belt in the North Pole Like it's a rodeo under the mistletoe You can tell kids when they cry that Santa's coming later Santa's coming later Fuck all my haters Santa's coming later Spread cheeks spread cheer It's the slutty time of year Santa fuck good All across the hemisphere Spread cheeks spread cheer You know even Santa's queer He don't need to fuck himself When he has helpers and has elves Uigi spreads me like Goatse I wrap his present most tightly We're verified amateurs Trying to bring joy to the world I turn around to beg and plead For more goodies in my stocking One step ahead of me, he's done a devilish deed He's been double teaming with St. Nicky In past tense, it makes sense This hour's load was especially immense Plus it smelled like frankincense The reindeer are up next Here's the link to my Amazon wishlist Santa's coming later Santa's coming later Fuck all my haters Santa's coming later Spread cheeks spread cheer It's the slutty time of year Santa fuck good All across the hemisphere Spread cheeks spread cheer You know even Santa's queer He don't need to fuck himself When he has helpers and has elves
3.
Broadway Junction, my dick won't function And Luigi's credit card just malfunctioned Normally I would be quite concerned But he spent our last check on an eighth to burn July 1st and the rent is due Now nobody even buys Luigi's nudes And I'm worried Patreon will sue Since he smoked meth on video back in June To hear your own parents say Luigi is irrelevant This is how the White Stripes felt after Elephant Publicists snoring, fans say we're boring And my best friends turned their backs like a door hinge They call it a dream 'cause it don't come true When Luigi tells you You're gonna make it big someday Don't you know he'll always lead you astray I don't make money and I don't make friends Luigi, this appears to be the end The door is closing and you won't get through Win or lose, pain will still pursue you Tried to kill myself, Uigi didn't even notice Little things make me wonder if he's still truly devoted Got on two knees, under my tongue I hid a ring He stuffed it down my throat and screamed "our relationship is history" At first we talked all night on the phone Said he'd fuck my brains out til the cows came home Now I'm lucky if I get a happy birthday text This is all my fault for letting Kirby homewreck (greatest hits!) Those who can't create choose to mutilate So-called fans ditch us when they find somebody new to hate They think our blood, sweat and cream are only worth half a star Maybe that's on Uigi's mind when he pulls out the crowbar To follow God's plan, you must detach from the subjective I sacrifice my body for the good of the collective They call it a dream 'cause it don't come true When Luigi tells you You're gonna make it big someday Don't you know he'll always lead you astray I don't make money and I don't make friends Luigi, this appears to be the end The door is closing and you won't get through Win or lose, pain will still pursue you
4.
5.
We're not racist anymore, we've never been racist We're not racist anymore, hope you've never been racist When you see my name on billboard, you better think he's PG And we take accountability, we're all inclusive This is why I repost, to uplift more voices Trust me, my bio has unlimited resources Gave so much to Blm, I had none left for the homeless Kush got me boneless but in spirit I support the protests Everybody's complicit in something I haven't heard about I'm committed to learning some of the basics to work this out It's my own job to teach me and I'm still at square one But whenever I get around to it, I know it'll be impressive It hurts to see these young hustlers get distracted You're holding up some sign while I'm appealing to the masses Real work is done with pleasant infographics Feel free to skip those for my latest ass pic We're not racist anymore, we've never been racist We're not racist anymore, hope you've never been racist We are not toxic anymore, who told you that anyway It's a necessary conversation, how's the weather today Mamacita Yo soy un gringa Pero yo no soy racista Brown bodies, black bodies Mommy I'm tryna get spiritual Small asses matter I think everyone is beautiful White boy But I'm chill though Your girl gave me the bag Cuz she support the growth We're not racist anymore, we've never been racist We're not racist anymore, hope you've never been racist We will never comprehend the struggles that you have faced Our differences separate us and that is okay
6.
Ball out with my Biden Bucks, more groceries than usual Science don't give no fucks 'bout your feelings, I'm Cuomosexual I'm rolling up my legal weed on a signed pic of Dr. Fauci I am fully vaxxed but if you do not wear that mask I'm finna get grouchy And when they catch you guilty of sedition I'll be laughing in your face when they throw your ass in prison But my whole squad of mutuals put the fun back in defunding It's time to replace every old white man on earth with me Return to normalcy, adults in the white house Since the Cheeto lost, he's been quiet as a mouse Science never lies, let's wait to go outside Til my enemies are gone, I'ma die with the mask on I wanna decompress with Netflix like my favorite pacifier Don't need anything except this screen and an online health provider The sign on my door says dogs are welcome and people tolerated Pop off with white wine and a weed pen 'cause I'm scared of lighters Return to normalcy, adults in the white house Since the Cheeto lost, he's been quiet as a mouse Science never lies, let's wait to go outside Til my enemies are gone, I'ma die with the mask on We are all queer now, plus we don't have sex Femmes, please take a bow and keep your clothes on Mental illness wipes my conscience clean Diagnosed with em all, it's what makes me unique Can't believe they finally combined my two obsessions In the new Marvel movie, there's a Karl Marx reference We cannot hurt you, we are soft and small Everybody feels represented by this song
7.
So goddamn traumatized Why won't nobody help me Your emotional labor is not my responsibility I swear you hoes need therapy Ooh yeah sweet Uigi mama
8.
Rose petals on hotel bed They emphasize romance We gonna get busy tonight In a respectful way Gonna swing my Birdo round and round Boutta go dumb -- cuz I'm feeling down And the night's still young, pleasure to be won Gonna have some non-physical fun I took Birdo on vacation to Hershey PA I thought this was M&M's World She was disappointed This normie shit works for me I got time for myself to smoke countless trees And a penthouse suite full of Dungarees And a cute-lookin' Birdo at my knees This condo cost 8 thousand Room service is extra She ate half a monte cristo I put it in the Tupperware On second thought I’m a little confused Not one chance for my dick to be used And I nearly choked up when she broke the news That she spent all my money on Angry Bird shoes I’ve learned to love my body Like Uigi never did Birdo needs my donations Cuz she’s a survivor Can't help but check Luigi's instagram See him stripping in Dubai with his countless fans As his fat ass slides down the pole, he winks And I feel a teardrop creep down my cheek When she uses her vibrator She doesn’t let me see I spent 600 on it But she needs personal space Steak dinner reservation at Morton's The Steakhouse She's still updating her Tiktok I'm gonna murder her Swing your Birdo round and round Better go dumb -- if you're feeling down Cuz the night's still young, pleasure to be won Gonna have some non-physical fun so Swing your Birdo round and round Better go dumb -- if you're feeling down Cuz the night's still young, pleasure to be won Gonna have some non-physical fun so Swing your Birdo round and round Better go dumb -- if you're feeling down Cuz the night's still young, pleasure to be won Gonna have some non-physical fun
9.
I wish I could go to Hogwarts A wizarding school with brooms I wish I could go to Hogwarts A wizarding school with brooms Harry Potter will be there He's my favorite character He is my favorite character But I like all of them If you are a good boy, you can ride on a broomstick Ride on a broomstick over the land If you are a good girl, you can fly on a broomstick Ride on a broomstick made for one Everybody tells me that I look like Harry Because we both wear glasses When you're having this much fun with your friends You never want the year to end There are so many beautiful, vibrant, talented, incredible woman content creators on Twitch More quality stuff I wanted to create the representation Be the representation Create the representation Be the representation Next generation never has to hear Are we ever gonna be better than this? Man I feel just like a rockstar I decided to start streaming shortly after I came out publicly I play Quidditch for fun So I'm a snitch in more ways than one We love to compete but we never quarrel Pass to the goalie, now I'm the snitch With Hagrid, Dumbledore and plenty of other characters We ride down the streets having fun, that's a guarantee Dumbledore and Hagrid, with everyone else Everyone knows how to cast all the spells One of my favorite places is Hogsmeade's I'm so glad that I know how to read If you're a good girl, you can drink my butterbeer Just make sure one of the other characters doesn't overhear Gonna have a great time like Hogsmeade's Gonna have a great time like Hogsmeade's I'm so glad that I know how to read Gonna have a great time like Hogsmeade's
10.
11.
Work4Me 02:51
I have got to say hello to an old friend Uigi boy, would you work4me Uigi drop them overalls to the flo Bottle service has been pourin semen in his throat Kinda tiny so he standin on his tiptoes Tired of his blue pants so I had to rip those He's kinda like Rudolph with a button nose Everyday is Christmas, Luigi's back pussy froze Normally I'm the type to fuck and double dash But Luigi suck so good I nutted on his mustache With his blue eyes lookin like he want more Too bad I'm already leavin for a world tour Matchbox 20 hangin in my RAV4 Plus he drives electric, I know that I'm a swaglord Traveller's life, no time for an obsession But Nintendo dick is so good, it's got me second guessin So I'm sorry to the ladies that are tryna get the jerk But I'll stick by Luigi cuz he's puttin in that work And he works4me I have got to say hello to an old friend Uigi boy, would you work4me Uigi drop his overalls to the flo Only time he nuts is when I hide his Lexapro He needs my strict permission to go outdoors So I ride him rough til his back like a skateboard Whole club's waitin for my boy to striptease Every time his nuts show I fling another fifteen I'm like a landlord and not cuz of the body type Luigi pays rent just to get fucked by my leaky pipe This cream dumpster still askin for spendin privileges But I can't risk wasting cash on all those CBD knishes Plus his booty looks better with less fat in it The last time he ate, I made him spit up in the waste basket The next time you think of me as some abuser Just remember Uigi loyalists are stupider than meth users Not to mention their pathetic fan worship When I'm the one who taught 'em how to suck without foreskin So he works4me I have got to say hello to an old friend Uigi boy, would you work4me Uigi drop his overalls to the flo Just his tip is all I need before I'm ready to blow He's a good tipper, precum ooze cuz my hole is the one He's the only man who don't make me feel worthless after I cum It takes a hard work to maintain a relationship Quote attributed to bitches failing to please my man's dick I still love my problematic fave like I'm in my second Smiths phase And by the end of the year I'm starting my own company He slaps me silly with ice on his wrist Then we cuddle all night, my ass gets squished He's rough yet gentle, he's the perfect man I'd do literally anything for him like I was Naomi Tani Eternal devotion, if I could only choose one moment For historic preservation with his dick cryogenically frozen I would take it back to the minute he took my virginity He said "little boy, you can put that butler outfit on and you can work4me"
12.
Naked Luigi in this bitch Turn the fuck up right the fuck now When Luigi hit the flo we look incredible They gon see me like a new Scorsese Uigi he got me spending Gs We have no enemies in a world of love and sweet gyration I heard it's racist for white men to do the fist The spark has gone missing from my sex life ever since Every time I jerk my dick, I feel my soul fly away to prison Numb myself to become a stranger, split into infinite division So I took off my chastity belt in the middle of Times Square If my destiny is demise, I'll make it happen right now right here They call me the god of hate and you cannot hurt my feelings I became invincible when I learned nothing about me is appealing ​ When we're dancin' can't you see How fun it is to be a member of Luigi's Nation Yes I'm faithful to the green like donkey Lighting trees until we cause a smoke violation Uigi isn't racist he's Italian And just a little guilty of a cream fixation We're back for seconds on the table Snorting lines until I'm worthy of the lord's salvation Face in the mud as I unlearn whiteness Penetrate flesh cuz I'm ill with the sickness If everybody hates you and the whole world's going down I'll smash through the glass as I fall to my death now Differences between our bodies Perceive us as separate entities Struggling to achieve ecstasy My dick looks nothing like this POV Now Luigi is wearing dreads And a Native American headdress If you're gonna unlearn whiteness You better start dressing like someone else I don’t know why the crowd is pissed Thought we'd celebrate Luigi as a culture shift But the unwashed masses never trust a prophet With a first-rate dick and a mind like dogshit So yes I fondly await the day When whole stadiums are held in Luigi’s sway And we drink kool-aid til our bodies quit Uigi Jesus and I’m St. John the Baptist halfwit cuz We're one people under Uigi Really our skin color's green And all the world is ours to savor Yeah you know it's all a big vacation Don't it make you feel elation dancing with your savior Face in the mud as I unlearn whiteness Penetrate flesh cuz I'm ill with the sickness If everybody hates you and the whole world's going down I'll smash through the glass as I fall to my death now
13.
Manslaughter 03:00
Face down in the mud as I unlearn whiteness Face down in the mud as I unlearn whiteness Face down in the mud as I unlearn whiteness Face down in the mud as we unlearn whiteness Uigi blow three mil on all that white shit Fat, racist and sexy like I'm Tony Soprano But with connections and critical acclaim like Corky Romano Uigi like the Green Party cuz all he do is win Haven't shaved my neck yet cuz I need one imperfection I don't know how rappers feel satisfied by their first draft bars When I've been hitting walls all day, always crashing in new cars Word to the wise, no one but us should write lyrics 'bout their dicks But Uigi a sexual priest, so no and yes kink shaming in this bitch Smashed my minivan, so I hopped in my other minivan At this point I'd like to give a shoutout to Chris Kattan Face down in the mud as I unlearn whiteness Face down in the mud as I unlearn whiteness Face down in the mud as I unlearn whiteness Face down in the mud as we unlearn whiteness Uigi blow three mil on all that white shit Uigi spend big G’s on his cream seats So he looks good when he drives off the BQE Gotta crash a new whip every night In the parking lot doing donuts as I blow chunks Believe me I’m earning mad green like James Dean on the cast of Giant Shoot guns out the window at cops to show them respect and compliance You could say I’m face down in the mud, better shed more blood as we unlearn whiteness In the Maserati with Uigi and a ballgagged Chris Kattan in the backseat Gonna take turns licking his nuts while we drive drunk over some homeless deadbeats These days see a strange man look the wrong way and Luigi heads for the backstreets Face down in the mud as I unlearn whiteness Uigi blow three mil on only the right shit Face down in the mud as I unlearn whiteness Face down in the mud as I unlearn whiteness Face down in the mud as I unlearn whiteness Face down in the mud as we unlearn whiteness Uigi blow three mil on all that white shit Yeah bitch I'm gonna fuckin kill you, yah
14.
Disrespectful idiots 20 mil ain't enough You don't know the half of it Take the cummies and run Smashboard problem Luigi knew the fix Bat wing bitch got his wing clipped Smoked a couple lead spliffs Wear the mask like a chain Luigi said it's cool to eat brains Slangin off the El Shroomino Posted up like Scarface on the wall of my roomino Black and whites roll by Throwin up the gang signs Luigi breakin bucks Get these 5'2" bitches hyucc'd Ladies go dumb Overalls tight like Tibetan skin drum Dick like a 44 Wish I learned about this shit in gym class Hoes dancin on me but my belly needs a triple bypass Let's just say my age makes for a thrilling contrast I said I was a chaperone but I'm just here to bone All I know is these teens just wanna get low Your body is a basketball and I'ma take a free throw My dick is rising like bread dough Never passed eighth grade but I'm still 38 years young This is the best night of my life I'm bout to win prom king with my wife And it’s all cuz Uigi sells high level shit Even underage customers are always right Cum spiked punch, I’m a naughty boy Grinding this slut's ass is something I enjoy I was too shy to do this when I was their age Now I’m graduating at the top of their grade Bodies hit the flo like we're in a Drowning Pool song Now I’m kinda worried cuz there's no breathing goin on Better give mouth to mouth, let’s start in the eighth grade Turns out she didn't need it, I'm still a hero Better call Luigi and find out the details Only use a prepaid cuz he’s in drug retail I think it's time I got out of here stat Cops roll up, there's an issue with that We better split to Luigi's 'fore this gets wack I'd do anything to hear a simple "I'ma back" Called him frantically but all I heard was him laughin So I drive that stolen prom bus to the mansion His bedroom lights go off but I know he's there A padlock on the door and guard dogs everywhere Last time I went to jail I got scared straight You know I can't stomach this, I don't know how to masturbate Police pull up, this is still so problematic Lord help me, I don't wanna use my semi-automatic Heart pounding so hard, I'm kinda horny now It's not the time or place but I just pulled my penis out I'd like to see you be more rational with tasers drawn Guess it's only fitting that I'd die on Uigi's lawn Even if they shoot me I should give them all my money They shot me anyway -- those pigs just want the cummies Luigi set me up But I still just want his nut Where the cummies went is not my problem now Police always defend a rat He never visits me... I'm startin' to think that prison could be fun!
15.
Lulu 02:29
My life's hard so I melt it down Vape falls from my hand onto the ground Luigi never told me how Green can grind you down til you're nowhere Nobody knows how it feels To fly through the sky when your head's still underground My feelings paint the town so brown Abstaining is for birdbrains I'm so high I feel like I'm on a plane It lands in 30 minutes And I need to get off the plane My skull feels like it's filled with gray clouds and fog I need to transcend right now I'm in touch with my emotions I need water and a bathroom I wanna get slutty and watch a movie Oh shit, we are all one I'm talking loud as fuck I'm not talking at all Every time I'm alone in my room getting high It's because I'd rather be in Luigi's, then we could be staring into each other's eyes When even Luigi's hit the floor Bet it’s time for more Cuz reddened eyes Give me the clarity I need to read all of these signs Ooh, all these signs They turn me blind
16.
I'm just announcing that DJ Breakdance Moneybags is retiring permanently When even Uigi hears about your new girl, she's been snatched Every member of the team gets a free pussy rematch Not to mention gettin fucked in the thorax Then afterwards we smoke trees like a displeased Lorax Ass like a dump truck, my dick's a landfill Monogamy without Luigi is at a standstill Pancake your girl between us like an Oreo I'm with the big boiz, our nuts hang like yo-yos I'm bangin green like the lizard in Geico After I leave the Italian festival with mouthfuls of fried dough I'm screaming swag til the day that I die Splashtown boiz are the better Dead Poets Society No Joker jokes, I really do not mean to gloat But I drove your Lambo off Rainbow Road when your bimbo sent me a Facebook poke I know you already know the slogan It's time to pass Luigi to my brothers like my name was Hulk Hogan If you wanna do the cream, you gotta pay the team If you wanna fuck Luigi, you don't gotta be clean Eat the tab, drink the lean If you wanna play the game, don't use the cheats When you turn 18, you gotta fuck Mr. Bean Gotta have courage, don't delete your tweets Only one rule in life, it's just one thing If you wanna do the cream, you gotta pay the team Spit on it, crush it up, roll it up, take a hit 2 AM, summer night, Luigi nut alright Like he's been eating pineapple Tuck three fingers in, made it pop just like a Snapple Suckin and fuckin, don't know which Luigi hole to go Dickin and fistin, reach down and jerked off his soul Slap shit dummy, he's so funny When he bust up on my tummy, it's Cubbie Uigi tells me vaccines cause autism In Austin, mobbing deep with Alex Jones jaw schisms That's what you get when the percocets are hitting right My vowels becoming mushy, Daisy's pussy looking hella tight I believe I'm as creamed as can be I got a H.A.R.D. C.O.C.C. And if I lose the boner, Daisy feeds me a pill And when I have the GoPro, I'm Cecil DeMille Uigi gang like a mad lad salad Eat the pussy raw like a pubic salad Goin straight in with no dental dam Nigerian Scarface with the Cuban ham Pussy cryin Eat the pussy like a Lion King Hakuna Matata It means Luigi my slave If you wanna do the cream, you gotta pay the team If you wanna fuck Luigi, you don't gotta be clean Eat the tab, drink the lean If you wanna play the game, don't use the cheats When you turn 18, you gotta fuck Mr. Bean Gotta have courage, don't delete your tweets Only one rule in life, it's just one thing If you wanna do the cream, you gotta pay the team Suckin and fuckin my least favorite cousin Luigi in the corner, stroke stroke no fussin Said hip hop, you don't stop the rock Bang bang your booty, flush the body down the louie I cum in his lean, gotta feed the fiend Like a Tennessee prettyboy, I do the cream Got that Moby Dick dick and I always cum late Then I eat his ass til it looks like Kent State
17.
Big Money Rustlas Yeehaw! I'm riding cross country on a donkey named Urethra Got express directions to the bedroom of your meemaw My latinx asshole spreads like a sombrera Can you take me back
18.
You can hear it coming down You can feel it all around You can hear the sound Coming up from the ground We can elect another clown But we don't let it bring us down Our footfalls shake the ground You can hear the sounds The sounds of America You can feel it everywhere The stagnant air of despair The sorrowful wail Of a monkey or a bear You can walk away with me To the origin of thee We'll never come down We'll keep making the sounds The sounds of America You can hear the fools go mad For they know that they've been had How do you tell your dad His cancer is bad You can hear how they have failed You can hear the mask tear Smiles abound We'll keep making the sounds The sounds of America

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released September 11, 2021

Dedicated to Dylan Maida

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